the skinny elephant

Each time I thought about sending this in I would scroll through to see who followed this account in fear that people will think less of me, or guys wouldn’t want anything to do with me because of it. The exact reason an eating disorder can start.

No one teaches you how to be skinny, because who the fuck wants to talk about an eating disorder? After a five year battle, here are five things I have learned.

1.

It isn’t about being skinny, it is about control. I am naturally an organised person, so when it came to how I looked it was only expected that I wanted the same – to control my weight and not fluctuate, but as anyone who has gone through puberty knows, that is something you cannot control. You have to learn to lose control or else you will never learn to live life to the fullest. Find friends who make you enjoy life and stick by them; the pub is way more fun when you get off the skinny bitches. Find drinks you enjoy, food that excites you to eat, and move your body because you want to not because you feel obligated to.

2.

Everybody’s story is unique. Back in 2017 when this began, I recall watching YouTube clips about teenagers’ battles with eating disorders. Here I noticed not one story is the same; different length in recovery, different triggers, and different ways to hide. After studying the multitude of different ways, I became what you might call a nightmare for any health professional and soon found that different doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists make a large impact too. As much as retelling your story sounds like a chore, keep going till you find someone that works. It is worth it in the end.

3.

Two things helped me in high school, and I am eternally grateful for both.

1. A book, Fight Like a Girl by Clementine Ford – I was never an avid reader, but this book helped me understand the power of having agency over oneself. In particular, it furthered my understanding of what it means to be a woman in the 21st century and what we are capable of once we understand nobody cares about what dress size you are wearing.

2. A good friend – they were able to make me feel comfortable and safe whilst grounding me when I would drift off path, someone who knows how to spark a flame in you but not piss you off completely. If you have a friend like that keep them close and don’t let them go – they are a rare find.

4.

You can only hide in college for so long. Third year out and I wanted to start controlling everything again, my life seemed perfect from the outside but I was completely spiraling again within. Fitting into clothes from five years ago, losing my period, pushing everyone out of my life, living off mentos and coke zero, I was a year 5 science experiment gone horribly wrong. What the fuck am I doing? I asked myself that question every time I bought another coke zero or stuck my head in another random toilet bowl. It was time to go home, the best decision I made, and the first time I made one entirely to better myself. Though within this decision I had no idea how long it would take for things to get better. It’s a constant reminder that it has been five years, things won’t change overnight as I continue to learn and navigate the path to my new normal.

5.

Finally, love – the best and worst thing we can put ourselves through. I’m not talking about any kind of love, I’m talking about the kind that is worth fighting for. Love that is messy, complicated, heartbreaking, and the one which you want to stay in bed all morning with. I’ve been through two heartbreaks – one with a guy and one with myself, however, it has always baffled me that the fight I put up for somebody else is strong, resilient, and one which I have a desire to win. Though I’ve recently learned that sometimes no matter how hard you are willing to fight, if the other person has given up, it is time to throw in the towel. So why do we throw in the towel so quickly when it comes to fighting for ourselves? Why do we let these disorders break our hearts as we stand back and watch? Why can’t we be resilient and strong when fighting our own battles? For five years, I allowed a little voice inside my head to break me into a thousand pieces without saying a word. So, I challenge anyone reading this to not let the little voice take another year of your life – fight that voice as hard as you would fight for love, the kind of love that matters, the love that isn’t easy.

Georgia Strain