EDs are far too common, but also far too stigmatised. You are not alone, and I promise recovery is worth it.
My biggest motivator for sharing my story is facing prejudice in hospital, from medical professionals, because I was “fine” when I was actually at my worst – eating disorders do not have any particular appearance, you never know what someone is going through internally.
When I first shared on my various social media accounts that I was battling my eating disorders and other MH issues, the sheer number of people who messaged me and let me know that they’d also battled them absolutely broke my heart, and is another big reason why I want to share my story.
Looking back, I realise now that I have struggled with disordered eating for the better part of the last 6 or 7 years, and especially as I started uni and college. I became OBSESSED with the gym and how I looked, the thought of missing a day and having my routine shaken up amplified my anxiety. But I was praised for how I looked, how good my self control was, how dedicated I was. Being complimented like this just made me think what I was doing was right and only fuelled my Anorexia and Orthorexia, as well as my Anxiety and OCD.
I think it goes without saying that 2020 was a tough one for everyone – for me it ended up being a year of lows (physically, emotionally and mentally). Food and exercise suddenly became the only thing I could control. It became a little game with myself, how far I could push myself in terms of food and exercise, getting to a point where I’d convinced myself that my favourite foods would kill me. Food and exercise controlled my life and led to me isolating myself from friends, family and life. It wasn’t until I was locked in a room with nothing but my own thoughts (hotel quarantine) that I realised that I needed help. Asking my GP for help was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I’ve never cried more than I did in those early stages of recovery.
I remember getting sent to hospital with heart issues, and being told by a doctor that due to my ethnicity, my weight and BMI were ‘healthy’, when in reality, this was the lowest weight I had been since year 7 or 8. This made me feel like I was wasting their time and that I wasn’t ‘sick’ enough. Which just goes to show that Anorexia and other eating disorders don’t have a set appearance, contrary to the stigma society has placed on it.
Both my psychiatrist and psychologist said to me that it was remarkable that I’d had the insight to seek help, so whilst hotel quarantine was the hardest and worst 2 weeks of my life, I guess I’m glad I went through it because it made me realise I needed help.
Even though I’m physically “recovered” (weight-restored and regained my period after nearly a year) and I have mostly healed my relationship with food and exercise, there are still bad days, which is okay. Two of my big mantras in recovery were/are:
- Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint
- Recovery isn’t linear
I want all of you who are battling these awful, debilitating disorders, to know that it’s okay to ask for help, and that recovery is 100% worth it.
the skinny elephant 