Eating disorders aren’t all that they seem, I think thats the biggest motivation for me to share my story.
It’s not something you choose to have or something to aspire to; rather there’s a sense of regret and shame that you have when you know there’s something wrong but theres nothing you can do about it.
For the past year and a half I have put my body and mind through hell, my search for a sense of control led me to a spiral which saw so many aspects of my life coming to a halt. At first I didn’t even acknowledge I had a problem, I thought I was just being healthier with my food choices and stricter on exercise, but it was one of my closest friends who had the courage to ask me if something was wrong, a question that honestly saved me as it led to booking that first GP appointment to get help.
Anorexia made me drop out of social sport, quit competitive swimming, defer my uni degree and saw me isolate myself from friends and family. Even with my world getting smaller and smaller and my physical health drastically deteriorating, there was nothing anyone could say or do to help, I was controlled by that voice in my head, second guessing my every decision and constantly bringing myself down, telling myself I wasn’t good or disciplined enough. Restricting food and over exercising were just the tip of the iceberg to the turmoil that was going on in my head. I guess thats the biggest thing I want to educate people on – the fact that it’s not all about vanity as it may seem, but rather you are controlled by a voice in your head, you may not realise it at first but soon enough you know you’re unwell and it feels like you can’t do anything about it, you’re just trapped in your own head.
When it first started, I remember all the comments and compliments I was getting for looking healthier; when ironically I was at my lowest, going from weekly GP appointments and blood tests – feeling far from what society deemed as “healthy”. It just goes to show you never know what’s going on in someones life and it’s best just not to comment on physical appearance at all because in reality, it really is not a sign of health.
Although I’m still struggling and finding my way, I want those who are battling to know that it’s okay to need more support and acknowledge you need help, when sometimes you don’t even realise its a problem. I just came out of a 6 week inpatient stay which really kickstarted me into my journey of recovering, learning to unlearn all of societies expectations around food, health and fitness, because honestly through this all, I’ve learnt that it is not worth shrinking yourself at the expense of your life.
the skinny elephant 